Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
