I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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