The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
