On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
