When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
