I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
