you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
