i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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