thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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