i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
