i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
