im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
