So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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