mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
