me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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