The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
