I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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