don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
