My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.