Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
