I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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