yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
