Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
