she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
