i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
