At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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