Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
