The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.