I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.