tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking