I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
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it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
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I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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