Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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