If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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