I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just gargled with NyQuil
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
