i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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