I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
