I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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