I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
