It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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