you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
