Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
