You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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