So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
