Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
