Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
