my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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