I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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