Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
