I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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