Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
last night I used snow as a chaser
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
