hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
