My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
