Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
