Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
