im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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