You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
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At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
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The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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