Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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