I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
