His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
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The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
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i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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