I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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