I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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